making friends in your thirties

🤗 hi.

i got a message the other day from a friend considering a move to europe from the states. we talked a bit about logistics, the cities in consideration and differences i could foresee from san francisco when he asked, "how was making non-expat friends over there?” which got me in my feelings.

as with most things, i set my expectations too high. when i first moved i had high hopes of living a life that looked like the "concerts à emporter" i watched from afar on youtube (this yeasayer one is my fav—but they’re all good)  it looked like entertaining guests, french guests bien sûr, at well-lit dinner parties where i'd discover a new cheese brought along by an endlessly interesting group of french artists, perhaps fledgling documentarians? bizarre performance artists? maybe a sculptor using only found materials? i imagined integrating with the philosophical parisian set, having a full social calendar of apéros and soirées. but life doesn’t look anything like that almost two years later and it can get very lonely if you decide to move around the world.

i began to realize a few months in, the hard way, that in order to get to where i wanted (goal: have more than one friend) i'd probably need to do things that make me uncomfortable. turns out, to make friends you first have to meet people, and to meet people that means you have to talk to people, ugh. but i wanted a supportive and interesting community to fall into my lap, along with endless invitations and great opportunities, and i somehow expected to get all of these things without putting in any effort 🙃

feeling a real lack of connection made me think i might not be as introverted as i thought!? giving in to the realization that i just might be a human, a human with feelings. if we’re using maslow’s hierarchy i’m clearly working on belongingness needs—finally nailed the physiological and safety needs! oh, and that story about being shy and nervous that i’ve told myself and others for the past thirty-one years and eleven months? maybe it’s time to retire it. 

but when meeting people, you should share at least a little about you, so how do you introduce yourself without leading with what you do for work? i found it really difficult, especially as an american, so if i don’t have a job/title/company to attach myself to, what do I have? 

who am i? a self inquiry spiral:

do i have anything notable to talk about?
do i have any hobbies?
but wait, am i any good at those hobbies?
have i read anything interesting lately? 
shit, have i even read anything recently?
okay, i have literally nothing to offer anyone in any conversation, ever.
wtf am i doing? 
who am i? 
= existential introduction crisis 

i’m still struggling with upgrading the perception i have of myself, but i read somewhere that we should talk to ourselves as if we were a friend. so instead of saying, "hey, you're a clueless dumb-dumb with no job, wasting all your time and money looking at new crops of dahlias being bred by a flower farmer in oregon" i should say, "you, my friend, are a talented person with valuable skills, insights and opinions to offer, and you're just taking some time to focus on your personal creative projects" that reframe still makes me nauseous (hi years of deeply ingrained negative neural pathways to pave over!) but i’m trying it on.

when i first moved i was at least trying to host—having parties, dinners and people over (even did my own version of a takeaway show), but i think when i no longer felt comfortable talking about myself, i subconsciously stopped having people over, whether they were french or not.

cracking the french code and having my own posse of parisian friends might have been the holy grail, but desperate times have called for desperate measures and if the french aren’t going to warm up and comply—fine, i’ll stick to my kind. so, omfg, i joined an english speaking group on facebook titled, “social women (30+) in paris” which feels like equal parts defeat and validation. but with over 2,000 members, it means i’m not alone, even if it might get pretty lonely. 

it also means i've got a V deep bench who could meet for a spritz.

reminders:
let go of the lofty expectations
put yourself out there again
americans are nice (even if they're soo loud) plus they like iced coffee
take it easy

-x